I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
*bites zombie*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential