I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
You Might Also Like
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
so, is there a mister shapen head
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.