Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet