Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
mentally somewhere in italy
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma