IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.