Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”