When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
You Might Also Like
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet