The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
A leaf blower, but for people.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
he looks great for his age
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.