Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Boating season is upon us.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
#polloftheday