Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
You Might Also Like
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?