finally found a reasonable question
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion