Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.