Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
dictator is short for richard potato
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.