I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.