It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Hello Twits.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.