Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.