Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.