Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
? 💀
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.