An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.