Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent