Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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uh oh
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre