Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.