My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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our love story in four pictures
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
scared to check what name she chose
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon