“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
accurate
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
The sacred texts.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then