I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫