[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Sorry. Not sorry
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom