“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
You Might Also Like
It鈥檚 so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It鈥檚 like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resum茅
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it鈥檚 not ok to give my kids ketchup that鈥檚 2 years expired.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touch茅
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.