A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
incredible
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.