[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am