If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico