wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?