MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My friend is an excellent librarian.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.