Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner