if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go