Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
😆this is so true
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.