judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great