ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer