Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”