STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
You Might Also Like
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.