i- i did not expect this
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”