My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’m a bad influence on myself.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.