I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
You Might Also Like
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..