#TopTip
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.