All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Its true…
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.