If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own