Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.