I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
The USS B port
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch