If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I think I’m having a stroke
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I found your tweet-up…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!