Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!