If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*